Saturday, 4 February 2012

Blinded By Fear

I have been wanting to write another post for the past week, but I am only now figuring out how to communicate what it is I want to say. As I have mentioned in previous posts (I think), I have drifted away from God throughout the past several months. I have also drifted away from certain relationships, in the hopes that it would give me freedom to not care anymore. I know, straying from God to seek freedom? A little messed up maybe, but those were my thoughts. I believed it was simply easier to not care, then put in the effort again and again to only be let down. Now, the past month has been a little different, as I have been noticing that I miss that part of life. There was a time when I had a strong belief in God, and when I felt I was being looked after. Those thoughts burnt out somewhere along the line. Here is my thought process: If I want to get back to that place of comfort, I need to figure out what exactly has caused the change.  Perhaps there are many causes, situations, or instances that contributed to the change. However, there is a theme amongst everything. What's the theme you ask? Fear. 

I am unable to think of an area of my life where fear is not present. My fear of marriage, my fear of disappointing, my fear of underachieving, my fear of my illness, my fear of hurt, my fear of holding down a job, my fear to trust, my fear of God. It has become so blatantly clear that it is controlling my life. I say that it's controlling my life because it is affecting my interactions and the way I make decisions. I tend to make decisions not based on what is best, but by what is easiest. Is it easier to tell people what they want to hear to avoid disappointing them? Usually. Is it easier to push people away before they have a chance to hurt you? Some would say yes. It is actually to the point where I tend to not answer my phone because I'm afraid of who is on the other line and what they might say. My anxiety is triggered by fear, which leads to the occasional breakdown. All in all, I'm scared...all the time. 

And yes, I am scared of God. I am scared of giving all of myself over to someone I feel has let me down and abandoned me. I am terrified to trust something I am unable to see, when it has many times led to hurt. I was talking with a friend recently and I had mentioned that it is almost as if I have to completely start over with God, and somehow channel the "younger Ang" when she became a Christian. My friend responded with, "Maybe that could be a good thing." The more I thought about it, the more I came to realize how much sense that makes. Yes, when I became a Christian, I knew I had issues. I had to no idea of the ROOT of all those issues. A lot has been discovered about myself in the past 5 years and I know things about myself that probably would have never come up if I continued on the destructive path that I was on. Sorry, getting back to my point. Focusing on who God is, and not necessarily my "bad experiences" with Him, might be a good place to start. Throughout this mess of time I've been having, I have completely disregarded what I knew of God while putting all of the attention on my bad circumstances and how He was behind them. Anyway, back to basics.

It is the hope that once I get over my fear of God, I will have to stepping stone to deal with the rest of the fear in my life. That's the hope anyway :) I'm still going to have extremely crappy days, and times when my stubborn self will put up a fight. At the end of the day, I want things to get better. I want to get better mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. That will take quite some time, but I don't think it's a bad a idea to get the ball rolling now. Unfortunately, these changes can't be done by flicking a switch. Would be nice though, wouldn't it?


  1. Another great honest and real post Ang! It isn't easy to share your fears and put to words your struggles but they do encourage me as I battle mine. Now if only Staples had a make it easy button for life..