Resisting the Irresistible

Lots of different thoughts going on in my head today. All of which seem to come back to how unhappy I am with the person I have become in past several months. For those of you who know me, you already are aware of how open I am in regards to what I'm thinking or how I'm feeling. However, what has always been a routine for me, is becoming more and more difficult to do. I'm not able to share my thoughts as openly as I use to. Somewhere along the way I have become shut off. I'm not sure where or when this happened, but lately it seems that my relationships are suffering just as much as I am.

There was a time when I would be open to talking the happenings (or lack thereof) in my life. Mind you, there are some people whom I would probably never share some things with. I'm referring more to my close friends, my fiance, my mentors, and to a degree, my parents. At some point my connection with these people faded. I still talk to them, often actually. However my latest emotions, feelings and attitudes have created somewhat of a barrier between them. Being in the deep hole that I am in, it has probably taken too long for me to figure this out. Any relationship, whether it's with friends or a marriage, is a two-way deal. You give and you take. I've come to realize that I have had a big problem with the giving aspect. Those people who are most important to me have been giving, constantly in fact. It use to be that I could not take support when it was given to me. Now that I am more accepting of receiving, the giving has been put on the back burner. Because of my unbalanced nature (which for those of you who know me, know that is no understatement), there is a level of frustration that lingers in my relationships. I'm difficult to break through and difficult to support, and people just have a hard time keeping up. Two things to address here: my lack of giving and my resistance towards others.

I have been known to say, "I'm sorry, but I have nothing to give." While I really feel as though that is a true statement, it has also become somewhat of an excuse for my lack of investment in my relationships. One of my traits that people have always brought to my attention, is that I am a very encouraging individual. If you ask anyone if they have received encouragement from me in the past while, the answer would probably be no. This may seem like something small to many people, but it is something that I have been known for. For it to be absent shows me that something within me is missing as well. In terms of what I'm putting towards my relationships with others, I am falling short. This saddens me because my close friends have been such a tremendous support, blessing, gift, or whatever else you want to call them. A lot of times they have been what has kept me going, in a very real way. More and more, it seems that every conversation leads to me. How I'm doing, how I'm feeling, what's new with me, and it generally ends with them giving me words of encouragement or offering support to me. Don't get me wrong, that's great! But what I am giving to them in return? Again, I keep taking, and the relationship becomes all about me. In my mind, this is no good. Losing the ability to give is one that flat out scares me, since what usually follows is loneliness. What could also follow is the inability to recognize when people are giving towards me. I'm almost sure that a level of this has occurred already, which leads me to discuss my resistance. I typically don't realize how resistant I am until after the fact. I'm sure there are several different factors to consider: me wanting to spare my friends of my thoughts, a fear of being turned away, losing trust in others...I'm sure the list could go on. No matter the reason, I miss being able to seek out people when I need someone. In the constant battle between my illness and my life, my illness wins about 98% of the time. This is unfortunate considering the good life I could have if my depression was even somewhat under control. Speaking of which, who the heck is in control anyway? Oh look, a perfect introduction to lead into my resistance with God :)

In the past 2 weeks, I have attended church twice and attended 2 chapel services. That's quite a jump considering I hadn't been to church or chapel since the middle of September.  I explained a little bit in my last post that God and I haven't been cool lately. More accurately, I haven't been cool with God. This has led me to push away any sort of interaction that could potentially lead into a God conversation. To sum it up in one word, resistance. I have avoided conversations with certain people because I knew they would bring up God. I have intentionally stayed away from any church activities or services. I have even got pissed off when hearing worship music being played. Going to these services throughout the past couple weeks, has on some level reminded me how much I miss that part of life. Today I was in a chapel service that was entitled I'm About to do a New Thing. There was a focus on healing, and I could swear that the songs were being sung straight at me. Two songs, There is a Well and I Will Come to You in Silence, were very interesting songs for me to hear with where I'm at. For the first time in a very long time, I was getting teary eyed in a chapel service. Yes, I cry and I'm not ashamed of it :) I'm not going to say that now I am fully restored and that I'm going to run back to God with open arms because of hearing some songs. What I am saying is that is was a reminder, and I would even say a little bit of hope. The fact that I can sense tears coming when hearing certain lyrics, tells me one thing. Somewhere within me, I'm still longing for God. I don't always understand Him and want to trust Him, but the need for Him is still present (as if it never went away). For right now, I will take it.

As much as there is a need to change some things in my life, there is an even greater need for me to get better medically. Finding a doctor, proper medication and continued counselling will hopefully put me at the place where I can be stable minded to work on these things that I have mentioned above.

Patience will be needed.