I will be honest in saying this: my appreciation for life is extremely low. It hurts to say that statement since there are good things that I am thankful for. I have an amazing soon-to-be husband who treats me phenomenally well despite how I treat him. I have 3 beautiful nephews who make me smile every time I see them. I have a few friends that would do just about anything for me. However, at the end of the day the reality of my illness is what brings me down.
Yesterday was an unbearable day that kept me in tears for 14 hours straight. What made it unbearable? The mere fact that my depression has a grip on every area of my life. It takes over my relationships, it affects my work (or lack of work), which then affects my financial status, which is turn ruining my relationship with certain family members. It's almost as if I am spiralling out of control and there's nothing that can stop me, or being in such a deep hole that it's impossible to see any light. I could use many analogies. None of which could explain the reality of living in a constant battle: the battle between choosing to fight or choosing to give up. I am not saying this for attention, pity or any other form of sympathy. I am saying this to make it a reality, for myself and for those who don't know. Every day, I wake up and struggle with the suicidal thoughts. To many people, that's a selfish way to think. To me, it's simple. I'm tired. I'm tired of living with the constant pain, and this pain can't be described as stabbing, shooting or burning. It's an all-encompassing pain that slowly eats away at every fiber of one's being. It's beyond simply feeling sad and miserable. It is pure darkness. No words can fully describe what it is like to live with this illness. And I'm by no means saying that depression is the worst thing on earth. I do not believe that. In fact, it is one of the reasons why I kept quiet for so long. I am stating these facts because I have personally experienced this life for over half of my life (13 years). If you were living in pain for that long, would you not be tired? Wouldn't you want to escape? This is where I'm coming from. The fact that you can not escape leaves me with one option, and it's not a good one. I will say that while I struggle with those thoughts, the fear of the unknown is enough to keep me here. I have no idea what would happen afterwards. Which brings me to my next thought process. Where the hell is God?
Please don't tell me to pray more. Please don't tell me to be careful of my sins. Please don't tell me to read the Bible. Everyone needs to pray more. Everyone needs to sin less. Everyone needs to read the Bible. So really, how much are you helping? If anything, you're making me feel like I'm responsible for my depression, which I'm not. You're making it sound like I'm being punished for not doing those things, which I'm not. At the end of the day, my relationship and view of God is messed up. My depression challenges my thoughts in regards to what I believe. There were times when I turned to God in my depressive states. But here's the candid truth. At this point, I feel let down. I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. It's hard to keep believing in something that doesn't make itself known (like I said earlier, I have tunnel vision which makes the positive things almost oblivious to me). I don't understand how God allows this. No matter how much scripture I read, I can not seem to understand. And I don't think I ever will.
To sum it all up, this illness is powerful and allows for lots of distorted thinking. My honesty in this post should be taken as a reality. I wasn't going to hold back just because some people might have a hard time reading what I wrote. With that being said, I will also finish by saying that a determined and tough woman. Even though I am extremely tired of living this way, there is still a desire (somewhere inside me) to fight.
Many people are constantly wondering how I'm doing, so I plan on posting new blogs often. I apologize for my random thoughts, as this sort of turned into a venting session.
Thank you for your honesty it is tough to do and tough to find words to describe it. It's hard to hold on to that little desire to fight but I'm thankful you recognize it.
ReplyDeleteAlso I appreciate your rant and your honesty helps others to be open about themselves too. It's hard to speak openly about depression and easier to try to fight it alone. And I agree it does mess with your ability to understand God.